Sunday, April 5, 2009

Stress/worry or Worn Down

Concrete experience and Reflective Observation: Lately I found my self waking up several times a night and consequently being fatigues the following day. My mood was lower then normal as was my motivation for any task. I did not think anything of this until a conversation with a friend in which he asked why it was that I was not sleeping. I at first struggled to identify any one thing that was bothering or stressing me however eventually I found that I was beginning to feel defeated at work. For some clients (such DJ and PP two very different people with very different conditions) I have very little hope, PP has been a service user for many years and showed little to no improvement. I struggle to see what help we can give him if he is unwilling to participate so I have developed a "what is the point" attitude. With DJ he is only 19 however he is so ill and has made no improvement in 5 moths at the inpatient unit. I do not believe he is in the right environment to improve and am unsure as to whether he ever will in which case I once again feel useless in this situation and have little hope.
Having had supervision and discussing this with Jenny she reminded me that sometimes these people need us to carry hope for them and that may be what helps them come out the other side. Perhaps this is true, we may prevent someone from committing suicide but if they are never going to be happy again what kind of life is that?!
She also reminded me that since I have been here I have made progression with some clients and a lot of people do get better thanks to the work we do.
We spoke about spirituality and how this is needed to create a strong person and that is what is needed in this environment as it can be stressful. I do no think stress is the right term for what I have experienced it is more of a wearing down.
The other thing Jenny made me consider was that dealing with Mike's depression out side of work was building on my emotional stress. his is most likely very true. This is a particularly difficult situation as I feel like the main support person and can not see how I would be able to reduce this role with out hurting Mike.

Abstract Conceptualization -
I believe I have experienced this feeling of being worn down because despite the fact I know I can not help every one and it is a slow process to recovery I still had aspirations of achieving things faster and in greater proportion. In order to prevent my self from letting this get to me I am going to take up reflecting in this form 3 times a week including after supervision. Also taking some time out for my self where I am not doing any thing so I can just think for a bit.